My own sources of emotional sustenance

Some people gain a sense of security and reassurance from following established rules. I'm the opposite.

Actually, it is traumatic for me to follow rules because that creates an emotional shut-down — in extreme cases, it leads to emotional numbing. I come from such a rule-following society, originally. We had to walk in single file everywhere and have various inspections. I can maintain this way of living very easily if I have some outlets, but I can’t maintain it easily where there are alien cultural influences, which I have to dive through mental hoops in order to try to understand them. Then I’m doing too much at once — and in an emotionally shut-down state, that’s never easy. Operating within the system means I shut off, whereas operating outside  it I can remain in tune with the reality around me.

If I shut off, I can handle almost anything so long as it’s kept simple. If I have to deal with subtle relationship issues, I cannot do that. My form of adaptation to stress is not suitable for anything but the most extreme situations. That stands to reason since I was brought up surrounded by extreme situations and adapted to them very effectively. When toeing the line and minding my Ps and Qs, I don’t understand subtle emotional needs, enough (my own or others')  — and that means, if I put himself within the system for a prolonged duration I will also not be paying attention to my own needs. That bodes poorly for my psychological and physical health.  I need to follow my own jagged path in order to restore my overall well being and let the blood flow without restriction through my body, again.

Despite this tendency to lose touch with what I might be feeling when I have to do a job, I can nonetheless deal extremely effectively with a genuine crisis. That’s when my capacity for emotionally switching off saves the day.