
Strangely I thought I was mentally ill. Now that I know I have a "mental disorder" I've found my identity, I've found my people. It's given me community. I now accept myself. I now know the stage a stand on. It's given me peace after a lifetime of misery and deep existential crisis. I had a schizoid break (nervous breakdown)...but I can finally build myself up again and give myself love and understanding in the modern world.
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I never thought I was mentally ill, because I had been brought up in a culture of like-minded people. We were all, to some extent, I think "cultural schizoids" who repressed our emotions out of fear of facing the full impact of the war around us, and also for the greater social good. It is only the contemporary Westerners whom I have found odd, and somehow unattractive. I'm not sure how much of this has changed since I first migrated here in 1984. I did find the contemporary culture viscerally repulsive and gaudy, but now it mostly seems just flat and predictable. I'm always looking for something else.
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APES IN CAPES!
In any case, embracing the positives of our mental structure is very important. I find I am deeply fascinated by very small details like the texture of the soil where I am currently living. I think it reminds me of my gran's old property in Africa, as well as the horse stables I used to frequent. The relative dampness or dryness of the powdery soil, and the way the light plays on it at different times of the day gives me enormous and inexpressible delight. By contrast, these days I find most social interactions to be jarring.