I never sought these devils out, but the fact was that superficially I resembled them — although for entirely different reasons.
Cluster B types are unstable — or destabilized characters — who never really found their footing in life, because of childhood trauma, or perhaps because of inappropriate coping methods (having found themselves a round peg in a square hole, or something like that).
In my case, I’d had a perfectly stable life, with a lot of meaningfulness,, belongingness and happiness, until I was wrenched from my homeland at the age of 15 and forced to adapt to another culture that I had no prior knowledge about, and couldn’t understand.
And of course people were rather intolerant. Instead of saying, “Well she has no idea how things operate around here because she has spent the first fifteen years of her life operating on different principles and in an entirely different setting, people said, “Well she must have been goofing off during the time that others were focusing and learning the basis lessons of life. She must need some punishment and scolding to make her see sense.”
Due to the absurdity of the situation that I then found myself in, I could not settle down. Everything seemed wild, crazy and unstable — if you made the smallest misstep because you hadn’t learned the ropes, people came down on you like nobody’s business. It was like they were perpetually angry and irate. Anyway, the stability I’d had before was all gone, post-migration, and I kept irritating and upsetting people with my missteps.
That was until finally I leaned to adjust my expectations, and view life and the world as inherently unstable — I made the psychological leap of learning to expect extreme instability. Or in other words, using a concept that Robert Torbay has so eloquently expressed — I learned to operate in the world on the basis of embracing the fact that I had an ongoing narcissistic injury, which, however, enabled me to defend myself against the next assault on my system of meaning.
In any case, superficially I came to resemble Cluster Bs— although, very, very superficially, because I always tried to build relationships and stability. On the other hand, I resonated most with those whose premises of life were to accept that life was inherently unstable — the Cluster Bs. It was a profound self-misunderstanding. And I paid dearly for it.
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