There was a time when I didn’t have any compass on the world. Actually I had been brought up in an entirely different situation, which I’d had a very strong orientation for. But an age where you are supposed to use your very strong intuitive mind to lay down roots that are subjective, and to expand your branches toward the outside world in a way that is objective, I was suddenly uprooted.
Then I was put in a place, sort of semi upside-down — really badly planted. And the soil was arid. Plus every dog began to piss on me.
Those times were hard. I tried to kick-start my subjectivity again by going for religion in a big way. But that only increased my stress and made me more at odds with the environment. Plus now there were not only dogs but also cats coming along to piss on me.
Then I had one problem after another, because my orientation to the world was so bad. Plus my father took umbrage to this, and started to pull the remaining two or three leaves off my tree as punishment for such a drastic failure.
But right in the middle of everything totally making the least sense to me, I discovered the philosophy of Nietzsche. This was really useful to me, because finally I had a means to develop a subjective orientation. At this time I was being heavily chastised in the workplace: “Your leaves look yellow and sickly, you seem to have been planted upside down, and you make us feel like we want to throw up all over you. Here is some more poison for your roots!”
I didn’t understand much of what I was reading back then, but the ideas seemed very useful to re-orient my emotions to my new situation. I began putting them into action. And weirdly, in a very short period of time, my leaves started to turn green. I almost felt like my roots were starting to pull in water, and later some nutrients. I didn’t understand what I was doing, but it felt good.
I kept working on developing my subjectivity, through trial and error. Nothing I did made sense to other people, but it made sense to me.
My previous culture had contended heavily against developing strong subjectivity, especially for women. Negative emotions like fear, rage, or sadness, would have made me less marriageable. In my teen years, I was taught never to aggression, as this would cause my father to explode in punitive rage. So, I had learned to attack myself when I even felt a very slight upsurging of aggression. In my mind’s eye, I could already feel father’s dark hand my father’s hand rising to strike me. So I attacked myself, making myself sick, pale and weak.
But through philosophy I learned that subjectivity is strength. We can’t even be physically well without subjectivity. If we don’t have access to it, we get sick very easily.
In my case, which some may count as extreme, I learned to tolerate subjectivity very gradually, by trying things that previously had been forbidden to me due to my strict upbringing. I did very small things that I had previously understood to be worthy of punishment, like practiced telling a small lie. When nothing happened to me as a result of this, I felt much safer and more at ease in my own body.
I have also gone back to Nietzsche’s philosophy more recently, because I lost my way. And almost immediately, he spoke to me directly in his strange language and turned my roots toward the ground again, away from the sky.
So this was my own experience of become more inured to subjectivity in terms of philosophy.
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